What Happens After We Get Scared

A Whisper from the Herd: The safest connections leave room for us to step closer, step away, and find our way back.

If you know Indy, you know she can be pretty selective about who she trusts. She likes her space, she can be unsure in new situations, and she definitely has her own way of deciding who she feels comfortable around. But with the horses, we’ve gotten to see a really sweet side of her, and she and Dunkin have developed their own little relationship.

Indy seeks him out, follows him around, and is constantly trying to get him to play with her. She’ll run around him, play bow, bring him sticks, and do everything she can think of to convince this 1,000-pound animal that he should play with her like a dog. Dunkin mostly just looks at her like he has no idea what she wants from him.

But there are also moments when Dunkin gets a little too close or moves toward her and you can see Indy become unsure. She might back away or hesitate for a second while she figures out what he’s going to do next.

I started paying attention to what Dunkin does in those moments, and usually, he does…nothing. He doesn’t chase after her or continue pushing into her space. He’ll lower his head and stand there, or walk away and go back to what he was doing. Sometimes he comes back a few minutes later. And almost every time, Indy comes back too.

The more I’ve watched them, the more I’ve thought about how much safety can actually be built in these really small interactions. Dunkin isn’t making sure Indy never gets scared. She still gets unsure sometimes. What he is giving her, over and over again, is an experience where being unsure doesn’t lead to more pressure. She can back away, take a minute, and then decide for herself when she wants to come back.

I think we sometimes think of safety as the absence of fear. If I trust someone, I shouldn’t feel nervous around them. If I’m safe, I shouldn’t feel the need to pull away. If I’ve worked through something, I shouldn’t still have the same reaction.

But I don’t think safety always works that way. Sometimes it has a lot more to do with what happens when those feelings do show up. If I pull away, what happens next? If I need space, is that respected? If I become overwhelmed or unsure, does the other person make it bigger, or can they stay steady enough to let me work through it?

That’s what I keep noticing between Indy and Dunkin. Dunkin isn’t asking her to trust him or trying to convince her that she’s safe. He’s also obviously not thinking about any of this the way I am. He’s just being Dunkin. But because of the way he responds, Indy gets to gather that information for herself. She can move away and learn that he won’t chase her. She can watch him settle and decide to approach again. Most importantly, she gets to have that experience more than once.

That part really connects to the work we do at Whispering Soul. There is so much value in understanding ourselves, recognizing our patterns, and being able to put words to why we respond the way we do. But knowing something and actually having an experience that feels different are not always the same thing.

You can know that you’re allowed to have boundaries and still feel uncomfortable setting one. You can know someone is trustworthy and still find yourself waiting for something to go wrong. You can understand exactly where a reaction comes from and still feel it happening in your body before you have a chance to think about it.

That’s one of the reasons we believe so much in experiential work at Whispering Soul. Sometimes talking and understanding are only part of the work. Sometimes we also need opportunities to experience something differently.

The horses naturally give us a place for that. They respond to what is happening in the moment. Sometimes they move closer and sometimes they move away. Sometimes what we’re doing works, and sometimes we have to change our approach. We get to notice our own reactions to those moments and, when needed, try something different.

Watching Indy and Dunkin has been such a simple reminder of that for me. Indy doesn’t need Dunkin to make sure she never feels scared. What seems to matter is that when she does get unsure, he doesn’t make the moment bigger. He gives her room, stays pretty steady, and lets her decide what happens next.

Maybe that’s something worth thinking about in our own relationships too. We can’t make sure the people we care about never feel scared, overwhelmed, guarded, or unsure. We can, however, think about what they experience from us when they do.

Sometimes being a safe person isn’t about having the perfect response or knowing how to fix what someone is feeling. Sometimes it’s giving them enough room to find their footing while showing them that connection is still there when they’re ready to come back.

Apparently Dunkin has been demonstrating that in the pasture this whole time.